My selective memory is a natural survival mechanism that I thought I had no control over. I became aware that my memory has selected to delete some things when I tried to remember something about a bad time in my life. I've blocked whole chunks of my life from access. I have only the smallest snippet of a memory of my father's funeral, and a tiny fragment of the drive to his burial. It's selective amnesia, actually, isn't it?
What I've come to understand is that I might not have been aware of it in the past, might not have considered it, but I do have some control over what I remember. I can control my selective listening and watching. I can tune things out. And, I think that's what happened with those past things that I can't retrieve. I shut my eyes, walked away and shut out the world. I put the music on loud, sang along, danced, and forgot. I do that now quite frequently. When I have the choice, I select and deselect.
When one pays careful attention to something, mindful of all one's senses in the moment, strong memories are made which can be retrieved easily. A small thing can trigger those memories, a smell, a taste, a melody, the fabric of your dress or maybe the colour. Drink in the good stuff, sniff and taste, feel with attention, and fill yourself with all the sensations of a happy moment. Trigger that.
I have to pay more and better attention to all the good stuff. I feel some regret for not paying enough attention to wonderful things in the past. I have forgotten too much. I'm lucky that I do avoid spending time on negative things, and I have ways of redirecting myself towards positivity. During this pandemic, however, I've spent much more time than ever before dwelling in feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, shame, frustration, impatience, repulsion, regret, fear, worry, and despair.
Twice though, in difficult circumstances this past year, I was very much comforted, and able to comfort others, with the knowledge that in time we would forget. The emotional and physical pain and the details of the current predicament would not only end in the near future but would also be difficult, maybe even impossible, to remember in the more distant future. We are counting our blessings.
On a light note (pun intended), I think that people who think that the best music was made in their formative years forget all the music that was considered simple, shocking, or just ugly back then. They also choose not to hear all the good new music that is being made now. Their parents did the same thing. Every generation has parents saying, "What is this horrible stuff you're listening to?" They don't really pay attention to current music. The things that are shocking to their ears stick out and offend. There are always comfortable "oldies" stations for them, old hits or "classic" rock. I find it funny when I'm listening to an oldies station and they play what was considered an edgy song when I was younger. Looking back, it is so tame! I'm glad that I understand this and I am open to enjoying and appreciating (most of) the music my children love.
